Hello everyone!

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. I’ve been busy writing the sequel to Drowning, called Deception. It’s coming along well, although I wish it was done!

It’s been a busy and productive week. I’ve been to Gainesville, Florida, and the University of North Florida. I started the week at the St. Augustine Catholic Church of Gainesville for a book club discussion. We had a great discussion about Drowning and domestic violence.

On Thursday, I went to UNF to join Alpha Chi Omega and Kappa Alpha Theta for a Love Yourself Workshop. The program discussed healthy relationships. Statistics show ‘One in three adolescents in the U.S. is a victim of physical, sexual, emotional or verbal abuse from a dating partner, a figure that far exceeds rates of other types of youth violence.’1. This statistic shows why events like these are so important. Speaking to these wonderful young women was an honor.
 
The week ended with a book event at the Alachua County Library headquarters in Gainesville. I spoke about Drowning and domestic violence and another survivor, Julie Boyd Cole, told her story. Nandy, a representative from Peaceful Paths, the domestic violence organization for Alachua, Bradford, and Union counties, also spoke of their services and the need for volunteers.

What I’ve noticed as I have presented in the last week is that people want to share their stories. People want to understand what they can do to help victims. People want to take action. Many just don’t know how. I’d like to suggest a few ways that we can all help end domestic violence, even if these steps seem small. They are:

Become familiar with the domestic violence organization in the area and give that information to people in our life who may need it.

Celebrate and model healthy relationships.

Talk to children about respecting themselves and others.

Talk to someone whom we suspect may be in a difficult relationship.

Support our local domestic violence organization.

Volunteer.

Plan a fundraiser.

There are so many things we can do and it really does take all of us to join in this fight against domestic violence. We can make a difference even by doing something we may think is small. Let’s continue the conversation.

Remember, if we can help just one person, we’ve done our job.

Sincerely,

Katelin Maloney
 

1.  Davis, Antoinette, MPH. 2008. Interpersonal and Physical Dating Violence among Teens. The National Council on Crime and Delinquency Focus. Available at http://www.nccd-crc.org/nccd/pubs/2008_focus_teen_dating_violence.pdf

Hello everyone,

Last week, we discussed some shocking statistics in part 7 of ‘Why Women Stay’. Separation violence is a very serious issue and a careful safety plan must be in place. This week I’d like to discuss the last reason (for the series) on why women stay in an abusive relationship longer than they’d wish to.

FEAR.

Abused women fear isolation and loneliness. They fear being stalked.  They fear manipulation. They fear the court system. They fear loss of income. They fear having their children grow up without a father figure. They fear losing custody of their children to their father.

But, the worst fear of all is they fear for their life.

This is a legitimate fear.

On average, three women are murdered by their intimate partners in the United States every day.(1)  Of the 2 million women every year who are physically assaulted by their partners, more than 145,000 suffer injuries that require hospitalization.(2) As mentioned, many of these injuries come after deciding to separate.

How can we ease her genuine fear? Two important things she needs are counseling and a safety plan. She can get help at her local domestic violence organization.  We could drive her there and wait for her. Watch her children while she seeks help. We can listen to her and be her friend.

This is a crisis that affects one in four women in her lifetime.(3) Chances are very high that you know someone or will know someone in a situation like this.

Is she your sister, mother, cousin, neighbor, friend?

Is she you?

Remember, if we can help just one woman, we’ve done our job.

Katelin Maloney
 
 1)        (Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Data Brief, Intimate Partner Violence, 1993-2001, February 2003. Bureau of Justice Statistics, Intimate Partner Violence in the U.S. 1993-2004, 2006.)

2)      http://www.nerdwallet.com/blog/health/2014/03/24/domestic-violence-statistics/

3)         Tjaden, Patricia & Thoennes, Nancy. National Institute of Justice and the Centers of Disease Control and Prevention, “Extent, Nature and Consequences of Intimate Partner Violence: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey,” (2000).
 
Please note:  If you are in an abusive relationship, please reach out to your local domestic violence organization or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.

Men are victims of domestic violence, too. For this series I am focusing on women and why they stay as long as they do.
 

Hello everyone,

Last week in part 6 of our 8 part series on ‘Why Women Stay’ I discussed how society and preconceived beliefs can keep abused women in relationships longer. Remember, I’m asking the wrong question. ‘Why would she stay?’ should be any of the following: why does he abuse her, why is this allowed to happen when it’s a crime, how can we help her leave? There are many questions that can be asked instead of putting the burden on the abused woman.

This week I’d like to discuss how difficult and dangerous separating from the abuser can be. I have a very frightening statistic for you: Battered women seek medical attention for injuries sustained as a consequence of domestic violence significantly more often AFTER separation than while still living with the abuser; about 75% of the visits to emergency rooms by battered women occur after separation (Stark and Flitcraft, 1988). 

Violence after separation is more prevalent than during the relationship. This is shocking to me. An Order of Protection can be granted, but it is only a piece of paper and doesn’t physically protect the victim. If you have an Order of Protection you must be prepared to call the police if it is violated.

Control is the issue here. When a woman leaves, the abuser is losing control and this drives him to try to gain back the control of the relationship by making her choice to leave one that she will regret.

Many forms of abuse can take place. Just to name a few: harassment when exchanging the children, hanging out in her neighborhood, calling or texting her constantly, not sharing information or cooperating with children’s activities, not allowing her to see children at their events, lying to children and telling them everything is all her fault. He may threaten to take the children away from her, lie to the court, or even threaten to kill the children.

A woman must have a plan to leave—she is often leaving her own home. What does she need to bring with her? Can she take the kids?

Here are two great websites that give information on making a plan to leave: Safety planning and safety during a violent incident.

If you know if a friend or family member who is considering leaving her abuser, it is important to talk to her about a safety plan. Guide her to the local domestic violence organization or shelter. They can help her come up with a plan that is safe for her and her children.

Remember, if we can help just one woman, we’ve done our job.

Sincerely,

Katelin Maloney
 
Please note:  If you are in an abusive relationship, please reach out to your local domestic violence organization or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.
​
Men are victims of domestic violence, too. For this series I am focusing on women and why they stay as long as they do.

Hello everyone,

I hope you are having a great summer. My husband and I just returned from Gatlinburg, Tennessee. The views were breathtaking! It is a beautiful part of the country.

Yesterday I spoke to the Ponte Vedra United Methodist Church Women’s Group about domestic violence issues. What a wonderful group of ladies! I was welcomed with open arms and immediately felt a special connection to them.

After my presentation, we had time for Q&A. We had a very open discussion not only about domestic violence, but also teen dating abuse, which is a real concern for these women. They worry about their children and grandchildren, and rightfully so. They left with tools and confidence to have difficult conversations with loved ones.

The most important thing we accomplished yesterday was that we talked about domestic violence. Let’s keep this topic of conversation going. Let’s raise awareness to domestic violence issues and become part of the solution like these women are.

Remember, if we can help just one woman, we’ve done our job.
​
Katelin Maloney
 
Please note:  If you are in an abusive relationship, please reach out to your local domestic violence organization or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.

 

Hello everyone!

Last week we discussed the fifth reason why women stay in abusive relationships. Women who love their abuser stay longer because of the conflicting emotions between loving the abuser, but not the abuse. This week I’d like to discuss how society and preconceived beliefs play a role in why women stay as long as they do.

Cultural—Domestic violence is sometime considered a grey area to people who don’t understand. When does an abuser cross the line so we label the actions ‘abuse’? Is pushing abuse? Put downs? Sometimes women aren’t sure if they are being abused.

The media culture can also fuel this confusion. Some media outlets call domestic violence a ‘domestic disturbance’. It’s not a disturbance—it’s a crime. Calling it anything other than a crime makes it sound like it’s a personal problem and not a societal issue.

I’ve included the Power and Control wheel, taken from The National Domestic Violence Hotline, which describes abuse in great detail.

Family and personal belief system—Some women who are married to their abuser feel guilty about breaking their marriage vows. Women with children can feel guilty about breaking up the household. They may get pressure from loved ones and friends who don’t understand the reality of the abuse at home, especially if they haven’t seen it.

Religion--Sometimes when women seek help from their church or temple, they may receive conflicting advice. Often they are told to stay in the relationship, especially if they are married. I would recommend A Journey through Emotional Abuse: From Bondage to Freedom by Caroline Abbott.

Judicial System—It can be very difficult for a woman to get justice for the crime of abuse. Many charges are dropped (sometimes by the abused) and the sentences tend to be very short.

Women also have an uphill battle when fighting for full custody of their children because abuse is hard to prove. The abuser also continues to abuse through the court system after separation, and often includes major custody battles.
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It is nearly impossible to co-parent with an abuser. An excellent book on co-parenting with an abuser is called How to Co-Parent with an Abusive Ex and Keep Your Sanity, written by Julie Boyd Cole.

People suffering from domestic violence are often at a disadvantage because of these barriers. We can help. We can guide abused victims to a domestic violence shelter so they can receive the help, information, and support they need.

Remember, if we can help just one woman, we’ve done our job.

Have a great week!

Katelin Maloney

Please note:  If you are in an abusive relationship, please reach out to your local domestic violence organization or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.

Men are victims of domestic violence, too. For this series I am focusing on women and why they stay as long as they do.
 

Hello Everyone!

Last week we discussed how money (or lack of access to it) can keep victims in an abusive relationship longer than they would want to be. For part 5 of this series, I’d like to focus on something that many family and friends of abused women have trouble understanding.

LOVE.

Many women are in love with their abuser. This is difficult for friends and family members to grasp, but she remembers the good times and wants them to return. She hopes he’ll change back into the man she fell in love with. She may be willing to forgive his behavior if she thinks there is hope for peace.

Often he tells her that he will stop the abuse. She holds onto this hope. He tells her that he will change. He may have ‘beaten’ her down so much; she feels only he will love her.

She hates the abuse, but he isn’t always abusive. There are good periods in between the bad. Promises are made and broken.
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This is called the cycle of violence. Each part of the cycle is equally controlling. This cycle repeats itself throughout the course of the relationship and is also part of why people stay in an abusive relationship for so long.

The three phases are as follows:

Tension Building--After a period of calm, the relationship starts to take on a different feel. Tensions increase.

The actual abuse--Emotional, physical, and/or financial abuse takes place.

Honeymoon--After a period of abuse, the abuser does what it takes to make sure the victim stays in the relationship. He gives her hope.

The time frame of the cycle can be from just a short amount of time (a few hours) to a long time (over a year), depending on the relationship.

How do we help a woman when love is blinding her? We need to build back up her self-esteem; teach her self-respect. Guide her to an organization where she can become educated. Let her know that it’s okay if she still loves him, but it’s not okay that he abuses her.

Remember, if we can help just one woman, we’ve done our job.

Katelin Maloney
 
Please note:  If you are in an abusive relationship, please reach out to your local domestic violence organization or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.

Men are victims of domestic violence, too. For this series I am focusing on women and why they stay as long as they do.
 

Hello Everyone!

We have discussed three reasons why women stay in abusive relationships. The blogs can be found here: www.katelinmaloney.com/blog

I’d like to talk about money and how it affects a woman’s length of stay, specifically financial abuse.

Abuse is all about control, power, and manipulation. What better way to gain power than by cutting off the victim’s access to the family’s finances?

Listed below are just some examples of financial abuse:

Preventing the victim from working.

Making her give the abuser her paycheck.

Making her account for all spending and put the victim on a strict budget.

Give the victim a small allowance.

Denying victim access to information on family finances.

The abuser controls all money and financial decisions.

The abuser runs up credit card bills.
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He ruins her credit.

All of these examples show the victim losing control of an important part of her livelihood. If she isn’t allowed to work, her social contact is limited and she can’t advance in her profession. She becomes more dependent on the abuser financially.

It is common in an abusive relationship that the abuser controls the majority of the finances. Sometimes the victim doesn’t even have access to money. When attempting to leave, the effects of financial abuse hinder her ability.

In many states a woman needs her own lawyer when trying to get an Order of Protection from her abuser. This costs money. The abuser can fight the order of protection and bring it to a full court trial, which costs the victim a lot of money. Once the victim has the Order of Protection, it doesn’t guarantee the victim will not be harassed, it only means that the abuser isn’t supposed to harass.

Separation/divorce can cost the victim a substantial amount of money as well. The main characteristic of an abuser is their need to control the victim. They can do this through the court system, dragging out the separation/divorce into a trial, fighting for insignificant things, and/or claiming the woman is abusive.  He might fight for custody of the children. All of these tactics cost the victim money she doesn’t necessarily have. This is just one more form of abuse which the victim suffers at the hands of her abuser.

Without access to money, how is the victim supposed to hire a lawyer? How can she rebuild after divorce without any credit? Some abused women have not worked outside the home. She’ll need to find a job and childcare. It is very difficult for a woman without financial means to leave an abusive relationship because she can’t hire a good lawyer, might have to fight for her children, and/or has to rebuild and live without financial means.

We can support her by giving her access to information. We can help her create a resume, find a job and daycare, and also guide her to a domestic violence organization where they have additional information. Many organizations have access to victim advocates and lawyers.

Remember, if we can help one person, we’ve done our job.

Katelin Maloney
 
Please note:  If you are in an abusive relationship, please reach out to your local domestic violence organization or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.

Men are victims of domestic violence too. For this series I am focusing on women and why they stay as long as they do.
 

Hello Everyone,

I hope you are enjoying wonderful weather this spring. It has been beautiful in sunny St. Augustine.

I’m breaking from my 8 part series on ‘Why Women Stay’ to update you on several events I’ve had the privilege of participating in over the last couple of months.

Flagler College, located in St. Augustine, Florida, is helping raise awareness to dating violence, domestic violence, and sexual assault. I spoke to different groups of students during the spring semester, the last as a speaker for ‘Take Back the Night’. I am passionate about helping all victims.

Unfortunately, the trend of violence in teens and young adults is not decreasing. 1 in 3 young people will be in an abusive or unhealthy relationship.*  

I presented to the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of St Augustine. Afterward, the members of the congregation and I shared stories, opinions, and brainstormed how to help end this growing epidemic.

In May, I was fortunate to speak at the Golf Classic Banquet benefiting Vera House. This event was put on by the Sport Venue and Event Management Department at Syracuse University.

I hope to make a difference in the lives of victims and survivors. Speaking to the public and writing fiction to help the reader understand the life of a victim is my way in making an impact. There are many things everyone can do to help. I believe the most important thing we can do is talk about it. Let’s start a conversation.

Remember, if we can help just one person, we’ve done our job.
​
Katelin Maloney
 
 
*Liz Claiborne Inc and The Family Fund. “Teen Dating Abuse 2009 Key Topline Findings.” http://nomore.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/teen_dating_abuse_2009_key_topline_findings-1.pdf

Hello everyone,

Last week we discussed the difficulty that abused women have in leaving their abuser when there are children involved. This week I’d like to discuss what happens when the couple or the abuser enters counseling.

Victims want the abuse to end, but also sometimes they want the relationship to continue. They can be persuaded because of counseling that there is hope when there really isn’t.

Often the abused feels that counseling is going to solve the problem and they will stay in the relationship while counseling is going on. This can be a dangerous mistake because most abusers will not change their ways. So the counseling gives the victim false hope and puts her in a potentially dangerous position.

One surprising statistic is that ‘most experts believe that a man must be violence free for two to three years before marriage counseling is safe or appropriate’.1 This is a disturbing statistic because normally counseling begin while the couple is together and the woman is talking about leaving.

Women aren’t given enough information on the success rate of these programs. They feel encouraged when their abuser goes into any type of counseling. Sometimes the counseling is court mandated and the abuser isn’t even going into the program voluntarily. The success of this type of counseling is very low. Batterer’s intervention groups, not anger management, are better ways to go; however, still do not yield high success rates.

Domestic violence is such a difficult and confusing issue for everyone involved. What do we tell our friend who is in a bad relationship? Leave? Go to counseling even though the success rate is dismal? I think it’s best to try to persuade a victim to go to the closest domestic violence organization where she can get all of the support she needs. Also, always be there to listen.

Remember, if we can help just one woman, we’ve done our job. 

Katelin Maloney

1 Ellen Pence, one of the founders of the Duluth project, quoted in the February 16, 1992 New York Times article “When Men Hit Women” by Jan Hoffman.
 
Please note:  If you are in an abusive relationship, please reach out to your local domestic violence organization or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.
​
Men are victims of domestic violence too. For this series I am focusing on women and why they stay as long as they do.
 

Hello everyone,

The first part of the series on ‘why women stay’ covered isolation and manipulation by their abusive partner.  This week I’d like to talk about children involved in the abusive relationship.

Children play a key role in determining when/if a woman leaves an abusive relationship. Are her children witnessing the abuse? Are they being abused? Is he a good father to them?

All of these questions will influence the victim. If the children are not witnesses to the abuse (which is rare), then the woman has less of an incentive to leave her abuser. By leaving, she potentially takes her children away from their father, out of their neighborhood, and subjects them to a lower standard of living. Any time a household is split, the finances will be split as well, and both parties will suffer financially. If the mother is returning to work because of the split, the children might enter daycare for the first time.

If the children are witnessing the abuse, the mother is incentivized to leave the abuser so her children do not think the abuse is acceptable. Sons or daughters—it doesn’t matter. A mother wants her son to understand that abuse is unacceptable. Daughters need to learn that respect is key in a relationship and being abused is wrong.

If the children are being abused, there is even more incentive for the woman to leave to try to get the children away from the abuser. This can be difficult because sometimes the court system sides with the father and he gets partial/full custody. We will discuss this issue more in part 6.

Sometimes, while the father is abusing the mother, he is good to the children. The mother may feel guilty for changing the family dynamics and taking the children away from someone they love and admire.

As you can see, children in an abusive relationship further complicate the woman’s options. We need to be available to support the woman and her choices.

Remember, if we can help just one woman, we’ve done our job.

Katelin Maloney
 
Please note:  If you are in an abusive relationship, please reach out to your local domestic violence organization or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.