Hello Everyone!

Last week we discussed how money (or lack of access to it) can keep victims in an abusive relationship longer than they would want to be. For part 5 of this series, I’d like to focus on something that many family and friends of abused women have trouble understanding.

LOVE.

Many women are in love with their abuser. This is difficult for friends and family members to grasp, but she remembers the good times and wants them to return. She hopes he’ll change back into the man she fell in love with. She may be willing to forgive his behavior if she thinks there is hope for peace.

Often he tells her that he will stop the abuse. She holds onto this hope. He tells her that he will change. He may have ‘beaten’ her down so much; she feels only he will love her.

She hates the abuse, but he isn’t always abusive. There are good periods in between the bad. Promises are made and broken.
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This is called the cycle of violence. Each part of the cycle is equally controlling. This cycle repeats itself throughout the course of the relationship and is also part of why people stay in an abusive relationship for so long.

The three phases are as follows:

Tension Building--After a period of calm, the relationship starts to take on a different feel. Tensions increase.

The actual abuse--Emotional, physical, and/or financial abuse takes place.

Honeymoon--After a period of abuse, the abuser does what it takes to make sure the victim stays in the relationship. He gives her hope.

The time frame of the cycle can be from just a short amount of time (a few hours) to a long time (over a year), depending on the relationship.

How do we help a woman when love is blinding her? We need to build back up her self-esteem; teach her self-respect. Guide her to an organization where she can become educated. Let her know that it’s okay if she still loves him, but it’s not okay that he abuses her.

Remember, if we can help just one woman, we’ve done our job.

Katelin Maloney
 
Please note:  If you are in an abusive relationship, please reach out to your local domestic violence organization or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.

Men are victims of domestic violence, too. For this series I am focusing on women and why they stay as long as they do.
 

Hello Everyone!

We have discussed three reasons why women stay in abusive relationships. The blogs can be found here: www.katelinmaloney.com/blog

I’d like to talk about money and how it affects a woman’s length of stay, specifically financial abuse.

Abuse is all about control, power, and manipulation. What better way to gain power than by cutting off the victim’s access to the family’s finances?

Listed below are just some examples of financial abuse:

Preventing the victim from working.

Making her give the abuser her paycheck.

Making her account for all spending and put the victim on a strict budget.

Give the victim a small allowance.

Denying victim access to information on family finances.

The abuser controls all money and financial decisions.

The abuser runs up credit card bills.
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He ruins her credit.

All of these examples show the victim losing control of an important part of her livelihood. If she isn’t allowed to work, her social contact is limited and she can’t advance in her profession. She becomes more dependent on the abuser financially.

It is common in an abusive relationship that the abuser controls the majority of the finances. Sometimes the victim doesn’t even have access to money. When attempting to leave, the effects of financial abuse hinder her ability.

In many states a woman needs her own lawyer when trying to get an Order of Protection from her abuser. This costs money. The abuser can fight the order of protection and bring it to a full court trial, which costs the victim a lot of money. Once the victim has the Order of Protection, it doesn’t guarantee the victim will not be harassed, it only means that the abuser isn’t supposed to harass.

Separation/divorce can cost the victim a substantial amount of money as well. The main characteristic of an abuser is their need to control the victim. They can do this through the court system, dragging out the separation/divorce into a trial, fighting for insignificant things, and/or claiming the woman is abusive.  He might fight for custody of the children. All of these tactics cost the victim money she doesn’t necessarily have. This is just one more form of abuse which the victim suffers at the hands of her abuser.

Without access to money, how is the victim supposed to hire a lawyer? How can she rebuild after divorce without any credit? Some abused women have not worked outside the home. She’ll need to find a job and childcare. It is very difficult for a woman without financial means to leave an abusive relationship because she can’t hire a good lawyer, might have to fight for her children, and/or has to rebuild and live without financial means.

We can support her by giving her access to information. We can help her create a resume, find a job and daycare, and also guide her to a domestic violence organization where they have additional information. Many organizations have access to victim advocates and lawyers.

Remember, if we can help one person, we’ve done our job.

Katelin Maloney
 
Please note:  If you are in an abusive relationship, please reach out to your local domestic violence organization or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.

Men are victims of domestic violence too. For this series I am focusing on women and why they stay as long as they do.
 

Hello Everyone,

I hope you are enjoying wonderful weather this spring. It has been beautiful in sunny St. Augustine.

I’m breaking from my 8 part series on ‘Why Women Stay’ to update you on several events I’ve had the privilege of participating in over the last couple of months.

Flagler College, located in St. Augustine, Florida, is helping raise awareness to dating violence, domestic violence, and sexual assault. I spoke to different groups of students during the spring semester, the last as a speaker for ‘Take Back the Night’. I am passionate about helping all victims.

Unfortunately, the trend of violence in teens and young adults is not decreasing. 1 in 3 young people will be in an abusive or unhealthy relationship.*  

I presented to the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of St Augustine. Afterward, the members of the congregation and I shared stories, opinions, and brainstormed how to help end this growing epidemic.

In May, I was fortunate to speak at the Golf Classic Banquet benefiting Vera House. This event was put on by the Sport Venue and Event Management Department at Syracuse University.

I hope to make a difference in the lives of victims and survivors. Speaking to the public and writing fiction to help the reader understand the life of a victim is my way in making an impact. There are many things everyone can do to help. I believe the most important thing we can do is talk about it. Let’s start a conversation.

Remember, if we can help just one person, we’ve done our job.
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Katelin Maloney
 
 
*Liz Claiborne Inc and The Family Fund. “Teen Dating Abuse 2009 Key Topline Findings.” http://nomore.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/teen_dating_abuse_2009_key_topline_findings-1.pdf